Just Want To Be Human

As I'm up late ( like usual) I can't help but think of all the things I have gone through in my life.  Everything I have gone through definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am today.  As each year passes I would like to say that I have grown from the past.  That I have moved on.  And that the past doesn't still haunt me.  And since I can't say that I'm over my past completely, I thought I would talk about a few of the things that still keep me awake at night.

As we all know, my parents weren't the best people in the world to grow up with.  To this day I still believe that they shouldn't of had kids together.  They didn't love themselves, they didn't love each other, and they definitely didn't love my sisters and I.  And if they did they didn't know how to show us the way parents should.  Growing up I always questioned what was wrong with me that my parents didn't love me.  Was I not pretty enough, was I too smart, or was I too sensitive?  These thoughts went through my head from such a young age.  Scarring me deeper than anyone will ever know.  I can remember writing letters saying that I wanted to run away or that I wanted to end my life.  And yet even with my parents reading these letters they never changed. 

My love interests weren't much better either.  I don't think I have really talked about this topic.  I think that I hold back from talking about this topic, because I know part of what happened was my fault.  I wasn't the upstanding girl friend.  I didn't do things to make my relationship the best.  I just did what I wanted to do, because I was looking for something that I never understood.  So my ex wasn't the best choice in people to date.  We were together off and on for quite awhile.  We had a very toxic relationship.  We would fight and break up almost all the time.  I think him and I were both looking for the love we never received from our parents.  Anyways when we were just friends working towards being together again, we went to prom together.  Things at prom weren't bad, but mostly because I stayed away from him for most of the night.  After the prom I wanted to go out to eat, but he wanted to go bowling with his friends.  We ended up going bowling and that is where our relationship took a whole new turn.  While we were at the bowling alley my ex hit me.  He was upset that his friend had upset me and I was going to leave. That night I felt a whole new pain.  Not only was something wrong with me when it came to my parents, but I wasn't good enough when it came to someone I thought I loved.  I really took that hard.  Harder than I ever imagined I would.  It is something that I wish no one will ever have to go through.

In my adult life there hasn't been much that I have had to go through.  I think now I am just so use to everything that nothing ever surprises me anymore. I don't think that's a good thing.  Maybe talking about everything, even the things going on now will help me be more like a human than a robot.

Day 1, 2, & 3 of the Love Me Challenge

I decided the other day that I was going to do the love me challenge.  Now the love me challenge is suppose to help promote loving and accepting yourself for who you are.  The reason I decided I would do the love me challenge is because it will help in my overall goals for 2015.  And doing this challenge I can really dig dip down and plant the seed of success if I learn to love myself for all that I am. 

One word that describes who I am is UNIQUE.  I have always identified myself as unique individual.  I don't do things like everyone else.  My back story to my life is different than most peoples.  And the person I am today is unique for my situation.  I am a unique mom.  I don't do things by the imaginary book of life, I do things in my own unique way!

Word Of The Month - January

I watched a video on Youtube the other day.  The video was about the Youtubers' word of the year.  This word is what she will focus her life on in 2015.  Now I like the idea of picking a word that you are going to strive to focus your year around.  For me though I want to accomplish and focus on more than one word for the year.  I decided I would do a word of the month.  Each month I will pick a word and focus my time on incorporating that word into my daily life. My goal for each word of the month is to become a better person throughout the year, not only for myself, but for my family as well. So you're probably wondering what the word for January is. And the word is:

CONFIDENCE

noun

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance

3. certitude; assurance

 I chose the word confidence for the month of January, because with everything that is and has gone on in my life I want to work on being more confident.  I want to be confident in myself, in my work, as a parent, as a wife, etc.  I feel that confidence is essential in our day to day lives and I feel like I have no confidence.  I feel that this is a good starting place for the year and will build a good foundation for 2015.  

 

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.”
― Henry David Thoreau

.