As I'm up late ( like usual) I can't help but think of all the things I have gone through in my life. Everything I have gone through definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am today. As each year passes I would like to say that I have grown from the past. That I have moved on. And that the past doesn't still haunt me. And since I can't say that I'm over my past completely, I thought I would talk about a few of the things that still keep me awake at night.
As we all know, my parents weren't the best people in the world to grow up with. To this day I still believe that they shouldn't of had kids together. They didn't love themselves, they didn't love each other, and they definitely didn't love my sisters and I. And if they did they didn't know how to show us the way parents should. Growing up I always questioned what was wrong with me that my parents didn't love me. Was I not pretty enough, was I too smart, or was I too sensitive? These thoughts went through my head from such a young age. Scarring me deeper than anyone will ever know. I can remember writing letters saying that I wanted to run away or that I wanted to end my life. And yet even with my parents reading these letters they never changed.
My love interests weren't much better either. I don't think I have really talked about this topic. I think that I hold back from talking about this topic, because I know part of what happened was my fault. I wasn't the upstanding girl friend. I didn't do things to make my relationship the best. I just did what I wanted to do, because I was looking for something that I never understood. So my ex wasn't the best choice in people to date. We were together off and on for quite awhile. We had a very toxic relationship. We would fight and break up almost all the time. I think him and I were both looking for the love we never received from our parents. Anyways when we were just friends working towards being together again, we went to prom together. Things at prom weren't bad, but mostly because I stayed away from him for most of the night. After the prom I wanted to go out to eat, but he wanted to go bowling with his friends. We ended up going bowling and that is where our relationship took a whole new turn. While we were at the bowling alley my ex hit me. He was upset that his friend had upset me and I was going to leave. That night I felt a whole new pain. Not only was something wrong with me when it came to my parents, but I wasn't good enough when it came to someone I thought I loved. I really took that hard. Harder than I ever imagined I would. It is something that I wish no one will ever have to go through.
In my adult life there hasn't been much that I have had to go through. I think now I am just so use to everything that nothing ever surprises me anymore. I don't think that's a good thing. Maybe talking about everything, even the things going on now will help me be more like a human than a robot.
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