Just Want To Be Human

As I'm up late ( like usual) I can't help but think of all the things I have gone through in my life.  Everything I have gone through definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am today.  As each year passes I would like to say that I have grown from the past.  That I have moved on.  And that the past doesn't still haunt me.  And since I can't say that I'm over my past completely, I thought I would talk about a few of the things that still keep me awake at night.

As we all know, my parents weren't the best people in the world to grow up with.  To this day I still believe that they shouldn't of had kids together.  They didn't love themselves, they didn't love each other, and they definitely didn't love my sisters and I.  And if they did they didn't know how to show us the way parents should.  Growing up I always questioned what was wrong with me that my parents didn't love me.  Was I not pretty enough, was I too smart, or was I too sensitive?  These thoughts went through my head from such a young age.  Scarring me deeper than anyone will ever know.  I can remember writing letters saying that I wanted to run away or that I wanted to end my life.  And yet even with my parents reading these letters they never changed. 

My love interests weren't much better either.  I don't think I have really talked about this topic.  I think that I hold back from talking about this topic, because I know part of what happened was my fault.  I wasn't the upstanding girl friend.  I didn't do things to make my relationship the best.  I just did what I wanted to do, because I was looking for something that I never understood.  So my ex wasn't the best choice in people to date.  We were together off and on for quite awhile.  We had a very toxic relationship.  We would fight and break up almost all the time.  I think him and I were both looking for the love we never received from our parents.  Anyways when we were just friends working towards being together again, we went to prom together.  Things at prom weren't bad, but mostly because I stayed away from him for most of the night.  After the prom I wanted to go out to eat, but he wanted to go bowling with his friends.  We ended up going bowling and that is where our relationship took a whole new turn.  While we were at the bowling alley my ex hit me.  He was upset that his friend had upset me and I was going to leave. That night I felt a whole new pain.  Not only was something wrong with me when it came to my parents, but I wasn't good enough when it came to someone I thought I loved.  I really took that hard.  Harder than I ever imagined I would.  It is something that I wish no one will ever have to go through.

In my adult life there hasn't been much that I have had to go through.  I think now I am just so use to everything that nothing ever surprises me anymore. I don't think that's a good thing.  Maybe talking about everything, even the things going on now will help me be more like a human than a robot.

Day 1, 2, & 3 of the Love Me Challenge

I decided the other day that I was going to do the love me challenge.  Now the love me challenge is suppose to help promote loving and accepting yourself for who you are.  The reason I decided I would do the love me challenge is because it will help in my overall goals for 2015.  And doing this challenge I can really dig dip down and plant the seed of success if I learn to love myself for all that I am. 

One word that describes who I am is UNIQUE.  I have always identified myself as unique individual.  I don't do things like everyone else.  My back story to my life is different than most peoples.  And the person I am today is unique for my situation.  I am a unique mom.  I don't do things by the imaginary book of life, I do things in my own unique way!

Word Of The Month - January

I watched a video on Youtube the other day.  The video was about the Youtubers' word of the year.  This word is what she will focus her life on in 2015.  Now I like the idea of picking a word that you are going to strive to focus your year around.  For me though I want to accomplish and focus on more than one word for the year.  I decided I would do a word of the month.  Each month I will pick a word and focus my time on incorporating that word into my daily life. My goal for each word of the month is to become a better person throughout the year, not only for myself, but for my family as well. So you're probably wondering what the word for January is. And the word is:

CONFIDENCE

noun

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance

3. certitude; assurance

 I chose the word confidence for the month of January, because with everything that is and has gone on in my life I want to work on being more confident.  I want to be confident in myself, in my work, as a parent, as a wife, etc.  I feel that confidence is essential in our day to day lives and I feel like I have no confidence.  I feel that this is a good starting place for the year and will build a good foundation for 2015.  

 

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.”
― Henry David Thoreau

.

 

2014 Has Been A Roller Coaster!

 

The year of 2014 has been filled with some of the most amazing moments and some moments that broke our hearts and made us come together as a family!  Let me just take the time and try to break down just a little of what has gone on through out this crazy year!  I will break it down month by month for you!

January: Hm I don't remember much from this month, because my brain and body were frozen from the polar vortex in the beginning of the month.  I don't remember ever hating snow as much as I did in the beginning of 2014.  Through out the month we had a few birthdays, but at the end of the month there is one very special birthday Chris'.  Chris turned 24 this year.  I know not a super cool age or anything, but still special to us!  Joey and I baked him a cake and made sure to get him presents!  It was probably the best thing that happened in the month of January!

February:   February was another cold month.  Lots of snow and shoveling.  Though the month also held the superbowl which by the way if you didn't know the Seattle Seahawks bet the Denver Broncos. We couldn't do anything for Valentine's Day because it snowed.  And not just a lite dusting of snow, oh no it really snowed. Oh and remember how I said there was lots of snow, well that also meant lots of pot holes from all the plowing that needed to be done. One of those stupid pot holes attacked my tire and bent my rim.  It wasn't a fun night to sit there in the cold waiting for my dad to come help me change my tire.  That same night though I met a sweet little girl named Ava.  She is the daughter of a girl I hated in high school.  That night Meghan and I started a brand new friendship one that neither of us even expected to happen. Meghan, Katie (another friend) and I even had a girls night and went bowling.  I had an amazing night and shot a 600 series.  Who would of known great friends and some great laughs would help me bowl so well!

March:  March still was a cold month, but nearly not as bad as January or February. Which I'm not going to lie I was happy that it was finally starting to warm up.  If you haven't noticed I really hate the cold.  There was a few things that either happened or we did this month!  We went to my Dad's girlfriends' daughters play.  It was Joey's first play and I must say he did amazing.  He sat on my lap most of the night to see, but he was quiet and just sat and enjoyed the play!  We also went to the Barnes Foundation Art Museum.  Again it was another first for Joey.  Though he didn't really look and enjoy the art, he went through the museum and just behaved which is all I could ask for!  March also had some heart break for my Dad.  My Dad and his girlfriend broke up after she found out that he wasn't the guy she thought he was.  After they broke up and she kicked him out, he moved in with me.  And let me tell you it wasn't the best living arrangements in the world. It definitely caused a lot of tension between my Dad and I.  At this time he also told me if he didn't get back with his girlfriend he no longer was selling me the house(we were buying my parents first home from him).  That little fact broke my heart. 

   

April:   This had to be one the busiest months ever!  It holds three birthdays and one of those birthdays is Joey's so of course that's a big deal! Let's not get ahead of ourselves though. In the beginning of the month we celebrated a friends' birthday and had our first bonfire of the year.  I really do enjoy a great bonfire with friends!  Two weeks later was another friends birthday.  I went to my first bar.  It was an experience.  Though I have still not had a sip of alcohol it was fun going and celebrating a friends birthday just the way they wanted.  The following week was Joey's birthday!  My baby turned 4. How is this possible? Well we had a party!  Joey had a ton of fun! It was Paw Patrol themed.  Which was the hardest thing in the world to master because at the time there was no Paw Patrol merchandise being sold anywhere.  For his birthday we gave Joey tickets to the soul game.  We also ended up taking my in laws, sister in law, and three good family friends. It was the first pro football game Joey has gone to.  And it was such a wonderful way to end Joey's birthday!! The day following Joey's birthday was Easter.  And we went out and made Joey and our two dogs Easter buckets.  All three of them really enjoyed everything that was in their buckets!

May: May was another eventful month.  There was a lot of traveling in May.  In the beginning of May I took Joey on a little road trip up to North Jersey to see Chris' family.  We stayed the whole weekend and boy did we do a lot.  We played at Gigi and Poppy's house.  Leaving their living room sprinkled with toys.  We saw all the Aunts and Uncles and Cousins.  And I even got my eyebrows waxed.  It was a great beginning to the month! That following Friday I received the most beautiful roses at work.  Chris sent me flowers for Mother's Day! That weekend which was Mother's Day Weekend I took Joey to Wildwood.  Not only did we see Chris' parents and go on rides for the first time this summer, but I also set the location for the reception of our wedding!  Oh my god if you could see this place you would die!  It sits right on the bay in the harbor and it just screams romance!  I was very lucky that I not only found the place, but that it was so reasonably priced! The following weekend no travel was required, but good friends of ours from Harrisburg came to visit us.  We had a day full of shopping. I mean literally the whole day we shopped.  We went to the mall, the book store, walmart, and even the liquor store.  So we had this crazy weekend, where everyone got tipsy or in Chris' case drunk.  Well everyone except me!  It was a lot of fun.  I really do miss our friends from Harrisburg.  We also ended up sharing some great laughs with them!  Two weeks later came Coco's anniversary of being with us for a whole year!  We mark this day as her birthday!  So of course we had to celebrate her birthday!!  Then two short days later was my birthday!  Though Chris had to work for my birthday he still managed to make it special by taking me out to breakfast!  Later that night friends celebrated with me by getting me a cake!

June: June was kind of a relaxing month for us.  There wasn't much that went on during this month. I went with friends of mine to the Philadelphia Pride event.  And let me just tell you if you have never been to a pride event before don't go unless you know what you are getting yourself into.  I mean literally there was a girl walking around in nothing but a vest.  She had no bra or underwear on it was crazy.  Later that month was Father's Day! I made the day special for Chris.  Joey and I made him some home made crafts.  And I like to think that I bought him something, but for the life of me I can't think what it was.  And then at the end of the month Chris and I went to Dorney Park.  Now for me Dorney isn't anything new but for Chris it was a whole new world to him.  Until that day he had never been to Dorney before.  I mean I can't say I'm surprised, because before he moved to Harrisburg and worked at Hershey he had never been to Hershey park either.  Chris ended up only going on the water rides and I think maybe one or two other rides.  His stupid collar bone and head just suck the fun out of amusement parks now.

July: July was another sort of relaxing months for us.  We didn't have too much going on.  Which I must say is shocking since in a month we were getting married. In the beginning of July we took Joey and Coco to the 4th of July Parade.  Let's just say loud trucks are not Coco's favorite.  She was scared for most of the parade.  And she also doesn't like people dressed in big cow costumes either.  That same day I took Joey to a local carnival.  He had so much fun after we met up with two really good friends who have kids around Joey's age.  They did not want to leave the carnival what so ever.  They went on many of the rides 3 or 4 times. The following weekend I had my dress fitting and my hair trial run!  Can I just tell you how weird I felt getting my hair done.  I'm really not the girly girly type.  Later in the month Chris and I filed all the necessary paperwork for our Marriage License and met with the pastor who was going to marry Chris and I.  Not going to lie one of the first questions he asked Chris and I was were we sure we wanted to get married.  Then followed that question up with why do we want to get married. Apparently being together for 5 years and knowing from day one that we wanted to get married wasn't a good enough answer to start with.

August: August has to be my favorite month of all!  This month was so action packed that I'm sure if I didn't write it down or have pictures from it I wouldn't remember what happened and when it happened.  So for starters we met with Joey's school teacher to see that the school was 100% going to be the place we sent Joey!  And we absolutely loved his teacher and all that she told us about the school and what the kids would be doing during the school year! Yay, education! Next came my bachelorette  party! Now I can't go into many details what happened at my party, I can at least tell you where it took place.  Two of my bridesmaids and a close friend took me to Hershey Park for my special day.  Now to most this doesn't sound like fun, but to me this sounds like just the perfect day!  I love going on rides. I love roller coasters.  I just love everything about amusement parks!  Trust me it was what I wanted and more! I had a great time! 3 days later I took a trip to the ER with Joey. His first trip to the hospital since he was born.  He had managed to cut open just above his eye.  I'm not even sure how he managed to do that, but he was bleeding really bad.  He ended up getting his wound glued, because they didn't want to put him through stitches. Two short days later Chris and I tied the knot!  We had a very small but eloquent bay side wedding!  Followed by a very romantic reception at the boat house! Our special day was everything we could of ever dreamed of!

September: This month we wanted it to be a slow month.  And truthfully it was a relaxing month!  In the beginning of the month Joey and I took a trip to Harrisburg.  Well really it was a trip to Harrisburg that ended us in Maryland and then a 4 hour detour in Gettysburg!  Let's just say never go to the Maryland Zoo with a friend and mention Gettysburg on your way home, especially if he likes taking pictures more than you do.  You will feel like you will never get home.  Luckily we did get back to his house! And then the next day we went to a lake for some swimming!!  The following week Joey started school.  My baby started school.  Is that even allowed.  I thought mommy's little boy were never allowed to grow up unless mommy said so.  Apparently Joey didn't get that memo. A week or so later we completed a walk to conquer Chiari.  We even dressed Coco up for the walk! By the end of the month one last beach trip was in order.  And Joey and I did just that!  We took a relaxing trip to the beach where my not so water baby, became a beach whale and would not get out of the ocean for even a second.  To say I was shocked does not even begin to cover how he had me feeling that day! And the following day Joey began his hockey season.  His first sport!  Let me just say Joey was not a fan of hockey.  He just isn't mean enough.

October: October was another busy month! We planned a few little trips for Joey and let me tell you he had a blast at each one of them!  To start our adventures off that sweet little girl Ava I mentioned in February's paragraph, well she got baptized.  And it was amazing to be apart of her big day! We road on the top of a fire truck and got our first pumpkin days later! Oh and attended a birthday party for my cousin's daughter! The following weekend friends from Harrisburg came to visit.  We played football at the park!  That was fun! By the middle of month we were off to go see a fire house for Fire Safety!  Joey had probably the most fun at this!  He got to sit in a fire truck! Got to put out a fire! And even escaped a burning house; well with the help of a few fire fighters! The guys that worked with him did amazing and he learned a lot that day!  Later that night though we saw something that can only be described as amazing!  We took Joey to Grandview Speedway! I embarrassed myself for a t-shirt.  We watched the races and at the end of night we saw some demolition derby! Definitely my favorite part of the night! A few days later we got devastating news though. Chris' grandfather had passed away.  That weekend we went up to North Jersey for the funeral. It was hard to say goodbye, but even harder to explain to Joey that we wouldn't be seeing Poppy anymore.  He is happily watching over us now!  Days later was Joey's Halloween Parade!  Followed by Halloween!  I think Joey and I had to have walked three to four miles that night.  How crazy is that?

November: Hockey ended in the beginning of the month.  Not a shocker there!  It was getting so cold to stand outside during the night and watch him play.  And I can only assume he was freezing his butt off as well! The same day hockey ended Joey ended up hitting his mouth on our end table.  And boy did he hit it good.  He ended up loosening his top two front teeth and bruising his gums.  By far the worst thing I had ever seen.  Luckily he didn't really do any major damage to his teeth.  The following day he got to go to his first school birthday party.  It's strange being around kids his age, but their parents are 10 years older than me. Joey enjoyed himself though and that's all that matters! Joey got his first trophy two weeks later! And then took a weekend away at Nonni and Gran-Dude's house! While he was visiting them I went to a friends' one year sober celebration.  Which truthfully I am happy I went.  Her and I have literally been there for everything big in each others life.  And it was an experience I needed.  I have a new found knowledge and understanding of how hard it is for people to go from such an addiction to then being clean.  And how hard it is for them to stay clean with all the temptations in the world.  My friend did it though. And I am nothing but proud of her! That weekend Chris and I took our first real road trip!  We went to Virginia to see his favorite college football team play!  We stopped in Washington D.C. on our way down.  I finally got to see the White House! I found out I don't like food made in the south.  It has this funky taste to it.  And don't even get me started on their drinks. YUCK is all I have to say!  Though the Miami Hurricanes lost we had a great trip!  On the way back home we stopped at the Quantico National Cemetery where my grandfather is buried.  No one had been to his grave in 23 years.  I was the first of the grand children to go in search of his grave. And we also stopped in Baltimore.  We ate some amazing mac and cheese with shrimp.  And for me to like it, it had to be good!  Then we made our way home and got our Joey!  It was a great trip!  On Thanksgiving Day early in the morning I got a text message that my Mom-Mom Lois had passed away.  That wasn't what I was expecting on such a loving day, but I took it in stride!

December: Last but not least the month of December.  To kick start the month we attended my Mom-Mom's funeral. And to say that was hard was an understatement.  I loved her so much and though she was not my grandmother by blood, but by marriage I loved her just as if she was my blood.  We went to a breakfast with Santa with Joey's school.  It wasn't the best breakfast I've had but it was great to see Joey with Santa.  We went to get the dogs and Joey's picture with Santa.  It ended up being a family photo! We went to our local tree fest, where local business' decorate a tree.  It's really cool to see all the different trees!  Joey got to have his own picture with Santa! Brindle celebrated her two years of being with us! We had a wonderful Christmas! And that brings us up to date!

It truly has been a crazy and exciting year for us.  And though there were moments that broke our hearts I would say overall 2014 has been a pretty good year!  I can't wait to see what 2015 has in store for my family!

Some Memories

I wanted to share with

Pictures!

Making Memories!

 Camden Adventure Aquarium

July 12, 2013

 

Today my fiance and I took our three year old son to Camden New Jersey's Adventure Aquarium.  This was Joey's first time at an aquarium and it was also mine.  The experience was more than I could ever imagine.  The aquarium has everything from string rays to sharks and even penguins.  Joey wasn't the only one taking in everything that he saw.  I was truly amazed and blown away while walking around the aquarium.  Today for me, is like one of those days you hold everything that happened close to your heart.  It will be the memories I cherish for a life time.  Memories of Joey touching a star fish.  Or the way his face lit up when he saw a shark up close.  This was truly an experience of a lifetime.  Well worth any money spent, time wasted sitting in traffic or the aggravation caused by other people in the aquarium.    

 

Me Time!

Tonight was definitely all about me time.  Being a mom I don't always get the time to enjoy the things that make me happy.  Tonight though after Chris left for work I did.  More than I usually would, but for tonight this is just what I needed.  My night started with painting my nails, which let me tell you never happens.  I'm not the girly girl type and the last time I honestly remember painting my nails without biting it off moments later....never.  Tonight though I painted my nails and loved the color I chose.  Its by pure ice and its called heartbreaker and its this subtle delicate blue.  My night continued with some late night texts to Chris since he's at work, but not shortly after did I put on a movie.  Now the last few days I have scoured "on demand" and hadn't found a movie that actually looked interesting.  Tonight though I came across pitch perfect.  Now many of my friends said it was good and that I would really like it.  So I decided to watch it and see for myself.  I began the movie thinking this is going to be just like glee or high school musical.  And truthfully its almost identical just with a more artistic essence about it.  I found that I actually did like it.  It could definitely be classified as a girly movie, but I would also categorize it as a comedy too.  I found some of the scenes to be completely hilarious!  During my movie I got a craving for ice cream which isn't anything knew but the movie and the ice cream together just made the night more about me.  I have no complaints with how my night went.  And even though there is still stuff to do around my house I definitely needed this me time.

As a parent it is truly important to find time for yourself.  Even if its only for a few minutes.  Doesn't matter if you take a hot bath, go for a run, dress yourself up, or just read a book.  Just make sure your the focus.  This time to yourself can make all the difference in your day!  I promise!

I Miss You...

I miss you. I miss you more each day.  I took so many things that you did for granted, but now that I'm older I see just how meaningful those things were to me. I remember the stories you use to tell me.  Or the times when I wasn't feeling well and you'd rub circles on my back.  Or the countless day you would wake up and walk me to the bus stop and you were always there when I got off the bus in the afternoon.  I know I didn't always treat you right, and I'm really sorry for that, but none the less I loved you more than anything in this whole world.  There is no one in this world that knew me better than you.  You knew when I was upset without me ever saying a word.  The night I tried to commit suicide for the first time you told me you loved me.   You knew things were hard, but I was a beautiful, intelligent, and funny young woman and that you were always proud of me.  I remember walking into my room and your words echoing in my head.  I didn't want to hurt you.  I could imagine the pain I would cause you and I couldn't do that to you, so instead I reached out that night and got help.  I held on just a little longer even if I was still suffering. After I graduated I left, and it hurt so much to leave you behind.  In my mind I was doing the right thing.  I couldn't take how my parents were treating me any longer and I had to get out.  I knew you understood why I left, but it still hurt me to not see you or be there for you especially when your health started to deteriorate.  What killed the most is after I cut ties with my parents which meant me cutting ties with you, I had Joey and the one person I would of loved to be there the day I had him is you.  Yet because I didn't talk to my mom, I knew you wouldn't be there.  I remember like yesterday the day I ran into Nikki on the boardwalk and she told me just how bad your health issues got.  I remember going home and crying.  Holding on to Joey and deciding that no matter what, even my differences with my mom Joey would meet his Great Great Aunt Norma.  Later that week I came to visit you with Joey!  And you held him for the first time.  It brought tears to my eyes.  To see you holding my handsome little boy.  Yeah you didn't really know who he was because of you dementia but that didn't stop the instant love you had for him.  I took a picture of you holding him.  And to this day I look at it and cry.  I was so lucky to have you in my life, especially when no one else seemed to care or even love me.  I know that even heaven your watching me and Joey.  Loving us from afar.  Yet I still wish I could give you a hug.  Tell you all my problems.  And let the warmth of your unconditional love warm my heart.  I love you Aunt Norma and always will. 

RIP Aunt Norma
3/22/1933-11/20/2011